Grief Doesn’t Have An Expiration Date

Grief doesn’t have an expiration date.

It’s not like a loaf of bread that’s fresh for a week or so and then slowly molds and crumbles away into nothing. Grief is resilient. It perseveres. It doesn’t give up. Ever.

~ John Onwuchekwa

WARNING: This is a heavy subject, but I know that I’m not alone and I hope to inspire you to embrace grief for what it is and understand that grief is a natural process of life - not to be pushed aside, hurried, or condemned. So strap on your seatbelt, because we are going for a ride!

Here we are, time to celebrate Memorial Day.  An UNOFFICIAL start of summer which means pools opening, vacations starting, family get-togethers, so much fun ahead.  But NOT for everyone.  For those who have lost loved ones, Memorial Day is a day to decorate a gravesite.  Christmas or spring decorations are replaced with more vibrant colors.  A time to SPRUCE things up at the cemetery. 

Memorial Day, celebrated the last Monday in May, was originally known as Decoration Day.  It was made a federal holiday for honoring and mourning the US military personnel who have died while serving OUR country.  Volunteers place American flags on their graves and many people visit cemeteries to REMEMBER and mourn for those who have gone before us ~ military and not.

To me, Memorial Day is when I have new DECORATIONS adorning my daughter’s gravesite.  She was not in the military, she was ONLY 17.  She did not serve her country, but she served her community.  As I prepared for this year’s decorations, I headed to the mall to go to Old Navy.  Seem strange?  Well I wanted to decorate for this summer using FLIP FLOPS and bright summery colors (see pictures below).  She loved wearing flip flops.  She loved life.  On my way to Old Navy, a 30 minute drive from home, I was hit with something called “GRIEF TRIGGERS”.  What?  You know, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere when your mind is OVERCOME with something that rekindles an emotion, OVERWHELMED and all consuming.  Emotions that create FEELINGS of sadness, longing, regret, thoughts of “if only”.  These unexpected triggers can pop up so fast, catching you off guard and triggering an overflowing surge of EMOTIONS.  I was just driving along and all of a sudden grief triggers dominated me.  All of the MEMORIES flooding my mind.  I had no control.  I tried to shake it off, but to no avail. My eyes were filled and overflowing those MEMORIES down my cheeks.  It’s been 10 ½ years - YEARS, and yet it just comes out of nowhere.

Just like the quote above points out, GRIEF doesn’t have an expiration date.  There is no time frame for grief.  It NEVER goes away.  It changes though.  We find a way to TUCK that grief neatly away so that nobody sees it.  Why?  Well people who aren’t directly affected think we should just get over it and move on.  Easier said than done, and I don’t want to forget.  How sad to forget someone.  We learn to COPE ~ most of the time.  But then those triggers knock us off our feet.  Grief doesn’t expire.  You don’t see that EXPIRATION date stamped somewhere and say “All done grieving, time to move on with life.”  It’s like a non-perishable canned item that stays on the pantry shelf for years.  And it doesn’t matter how long grief has been sitting on that shelf.  As soon as that can OPENS it feels fresh. 

Grief is HEAVY.  It can be so heavy that we are weighted down in every aspect of our life.  The mental toll it can take…..oh, so heavy.  All of the “if I’d only . . . “, “I wish I had . . . ”, “I hope he/she knows . . . “  All of the REGRET.  We all have regrets about things we’ve done in our lives, but when you lose someone to death, you can’t go back and make it right.  Grief is so, so heavy.

I think what FRUSTRATES me the most is that people don’t understand.  Sometimes family doesn’t understand.  I’m STILL hurting, each and every day.  I put on a smile the best I can, but when someone graduates, gets married, has a baby, etc. it's triggered.  Holidays, celebrations ~ TRIGGERED.  Yet I feel like I’m just supposed to tuck it away.

Friends, no person has the right to CONDEMN you on how you repair your heart or how long you’ve been grieving because no one knows how much YOU’RE hurting.  Don’t let their JUDGMENT make you feel like you can’t grieve.

REMEMBER those who have gone before you and try to SMILE because they were a part of your life, a part of YOUR story.  An “until we meet again . . .”

My friends, remember that grief does NOT have an expiration date. Don’t let anybody rush you or push your feelings or memories aside. They MATTER! Your grief is important and so is your health. Let’s stop tucking it away and embrace it.

If you ever need to talk, please reach out.

Have a blessed start to your summer my friends!